[ shirt, Everlane / skirt, (similar in stripes) / bag, Madewell / shoes, Madewell ]
Dressed? Check. Shoes? Yep. Hair? Sorry, J needs breakfast, D needs a diaper change and O is crying. Somebody find my hat…
Lately I seem to be fielding the question: ‘What do you guys do during the day to keep busy?’ or something to that effect. It’s always asked innocently enough. It’s not the kind of question that is really asking ‘What DO you do all day?’ But still, my answers always come off awkward. When I tell them how I spend the days (laundry, feeding everyone, keeping them alive, with some work in-between) it never sounds like enough. But when I am doing it, it’s so much, sometimes I can barely survive.
The reality is: being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s hard because it’s not what I expected. Even while I was in college, even while I was plugging away and loving my career, I knew that one day, I’d marry, have kids and quit my job to stay home and raise them. I am not sure what I anticipated it would be like but I didn’t expect the challenge. It’s hard because it’s lonely, it’s messy, it takes discipline and restraint to stay on task and tuned in. It’s hard because the measurable results won’t be seen immediately.
I’m sharing because maybe there is someone else who feels this way too. I never expected to wrestle with love-hating staying at home with my children. It’s a constant tug. I feel the beck of opportunity calling me here and there. I started my photography business a few years ago as a creative outlet, and as my reputation grows and spreads, more opportunities come my way. I get so excited at the prospect of doing more, creating more. THEN, I freak out about how I am going to manage it all on top of my family life. And then God gently whispers, “not now.” And I am reminded that even though what’s in front of me looks pretty great, something greater waits in the wings.
For now — I give myself some extra grace. It’s okay if my makeup isn’t on till 2pm. Or maybe not at all that day. It’s okay if there are dishes in the sink at 6pm when my husband comes home. It’s okay if my kids have dressed themselves in bizarre clothing and are running around with untamed mops on their heads. For now I will take my one year old’s soft, open-mouth kisses, and my daughters’ requests for hugs and reading, and I’ll fully embrace them all.
And then I write. I stay up late or get up early to throw myself into my passion projects, so I can remember that beyond my daily dirty jobs and fuzzy mom-brain, there’s another side to me too.
I know that I asked you that question when I visited you, thinking well maybe because you’re downtown you do something different than I do over in Far East Ptown, but nope. We are both just trying to keep our little people fed, entertained while learning and on schedule to nap and go to bed on time. I totally agree with you that being home with your children is one of the most challenging things I ever done (and two of my three children actually have four legs and tail) but you are right that this is a time to embrace and I’m so thankful for it.
Thanks Caitie :) Love your perspective.
I’m a stay-at-home mom too, and I can 100% relate to all of this. You are not alone!
Thank you Dara! It’s so helpful to know others feel the same way! I’m glad we can stick together and encourage one another.
I think having the third really pushes things over the edge. I have always said that if I ever had a full time career that I loved that I would have kept my job. Being a mom 24/7 is beyond draining even with the kisses and cuddles in the mix. My girls are a little older than your kids and I feel like I’ve *finally* come out of the fog you are in now. All three will be in school full time Iin the fall — 4th, 2nd, K — and I will be rejoicing on being able to focus on some creative endeavors then.
Just make sure you keep taking lots of pics of your kids so you can look back and remember that time with new eyes. The memories of the struggles you are going through now will fade and your photos can fill in the gaps in your memory. I say all that because I was just looking at pics of when my girls were littler and seeing their expressions and little faces didnt give bring to mind one thought of the dishes in the sink or laundry piled up or the dayS I went without showering…. Hang in there and just keep doing what your are doing.
Such wise words Lucia! That’s a really good point, about not remembering the dirty dishes or piles of laundry. It’s all too easy to focus on those things! Here’s to hoping I come out of the fog soon! :)
Where did you find that great hat? Thanks!
Hi Ali, it’s from Target. I like it, but it isn’t the most durable, (it’s made of paper). When my budget allows, I think I will upgrade to this one from J.Crew that’s made from actual straw.
I just found your blog recently – glad I did :-). I stayed at home in 2006. when pregnant with my first daughter and not one person who didn’t try to “just be at home” understands how challenging it is. Especially if you lack support of family/society. I have two daughters – 9 and 3 yo and always wanted to have three children but I am so tired right now that I have now serious doubts in ability to continue living like this… Interest in fashion – minimalism/capsule wardrobe is something that helps me a lot to take care of myself also and find a pleasure in such small but nice things. This takes no time but gives such a good feelings- to look good/be satisfied with your outfits. I also find much pleasure in photography. I also work occasionally as doula and as a childbirth educator – and many opportunities open for me but I simply have to say also “not now….” because I chose this way. As draining and challenging as it is – but it is mine. Thanks for your nice blog – I’ll start following it. I also found you on Instagram, so please keep up your inspiring work :-)! Greetings from Croatia!
Hi Jelena!
Wow, Croatia! I’m so glad you found me. Thank you for the nice comment, it’s so great that we, as moms can share an understand these stages of life. It helps me to not feel alone or crazy! ;) I agree, taking the time to put effort into my wardrobe (simplifying and including only what I love) helps make me feel more ‘me’ even though so much of my time is spent doing mom things. Yes, I love the way you said it, it’s is draining and challenging, but it is ‘my work,’ my beautiful little family. Your daughters are so blessed to have you spend these precious years with them!
Hi Andrea
I haven’t posted before but have been reading your blog for a few months now. I really love your style and your approach to fashion. In fact you inspired me to try wide leg pants and I love them!
I have a three year old and one year old little boys and my husband travels a lot. Some days I feel like it’s a battle and that it’s so draining. !$( I always try to remind myself that God would not give me anything that I couldn’t handle.
Xx
Hi Nipsy!
So good to ‘meet’ you! Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself. It’s so hard when the husbands are away! It gives me new respect for single parents. You know, I once heard someone say that God actually does give us more than we can handle so we have to rely on him. :) I don’t know about you, but there are few things in this life that drive me to cry out to God more than parenting. It is SO hard. But so amazing too. I’m so glad you shared, and I hope you get lots of use of your wide leg pants! :)